I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
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Is Mercury still in the microwave?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Cheer up.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
excuse me
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.