I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
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Wireless bra? What’s the password?
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
doing your own taxes
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.