I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
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Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one