Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
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[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
what it’s like dating me:
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire