*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
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Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again