“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
You Might Also Like
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find