my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
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Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*