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[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
They’re really bad with fonts.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.