[first day at the cia]
me: where鈥檚 the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 馃幎 party girls don鈥檛 get hurt 馃幎
boss: that鈥檚 sia
me: i know how it鈥檚 pronounced i work here
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Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
馃ザ馃ザ馃惗馃惗
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don鈥檛 want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Ironically, it鈥檚 my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I鈥檓 sure somebody somewhere did.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 馃槧
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 馃槨
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 馃槨馃槨馃槨
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”