Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
You Might Also Like
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I want this so bad
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed