I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
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Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
(by @ZachWeiner )
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Danger is very dangerous
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to