Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
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Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
No Google it does not
lot going on here, legally speaking.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole