“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
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remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Natty or not?
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door