*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
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Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒