Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
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i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
At least he brought enough for everyone
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now