Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
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Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great