Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
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A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel