Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
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WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing