Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
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I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you