A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
You Might Also Like
March 16
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.