Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
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Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.