There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
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Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Shortcut
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
nobody’s gonna understand
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.