ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
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[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}