me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
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I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way