Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
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My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier