a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
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You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.