boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
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Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it