“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
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To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.