My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
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i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer