The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
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SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
it must be school picture day
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT