I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
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[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
getting old is fun
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case