When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
You Might Also Like
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
In banana years, I am bread.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
kevin is now a local weatherman
new shirt idea