My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
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A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you