met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? ππ
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Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Thatβs why itβs crazy for me to go to work
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. π
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
my phone:
π APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: βwonder what thatβs for :)β
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I dont need glasses, theyβre just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: Thatβs a billboard, and the road is over there
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: Itβs similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because thatβs where they live.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: Iβm more of a tired afternoon duck.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
My wife: βIβll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.β
Me: βOK.β
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, itβs her floss