[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
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It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
This pepper has seen some shit
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
#dnd #ttrpg
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
dude it’s called proctologist
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?