Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
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Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]