You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
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Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
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I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!