I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
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7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?