[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
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I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
How can I say no to this ?
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
This makes total sense…
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight