The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
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Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Battery falling down a hole
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!