The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
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WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.