Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
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When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”