Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
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women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Still my favorite television listing of all time: