I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
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It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*