Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
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SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin