It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
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“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
wtf is a larm clock?
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
3% human
97% stress
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Mouse
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.