Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
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Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”