Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
You Might Also Like
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
🍛
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him