the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
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I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Sooo many times…..
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
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COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb