The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
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Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
is nasa ok
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.